well this isnt exactly a revelation per se, but...this is the first time ive signed onto this site in over a year, i think, and its just so...*weird* to see what i wrote a year ago. its really so juvenile and...i dont know...just...*bad*. i feel like a such a different person than the girl who wrote those entries a year ago. and, obvious as that may sound, because of course ive grown and matured and blah blah blah...its really true. ive done and seen and said and heard and, of all things, *learned* so many things since i wrote those last entries that i feel like a completely different person. and honestly...i no longer think im all that artistic. im not that good a writer...and lord knows i suck at drawing, so...i dont really know anymore.

also, i feel kind of fake writing this...like trying to be philosophical or whatever and seem all jaded. thats not intentional. and i have a feeling that if i come back to this entry a year from now, im going to feel the exact same way i do right now. but the problem is, i dont really know how i feel right now. in a way, i feel kind of sorry that the sweet, innocent girl of last year has been kind of...i dont know...*lost* in a way. and i regret that in some ways. but at the same time, losing her has made me into the person i am today, and, honestly, although i do sometimes say or do things to the contrary, i am a person that i feel that i can be proud of.

i think that, in each milisecond that we are alive, we are constantly growing and changing. not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. every second counts when you are measuring the growth of yourself. i know a lot of people say this, too, but, as of this moment in time, i truly believe it. i think that nothing in life is certain. you know the old quote, "learn as if youll live forever. live as if youll die tomorrow."? well i think that is a really good philosophy for life. the two most common things that people mention when they say whats important to them are always family and friends. i think that those people have a strong part in shaping your life, and to live without them would be awful. but also, if you live safely all the time, youre not really living at all. i think that the most important thing that shapes who we are and what we do is our experiences. thats it. plain old experiences. from the best ones to the worst ones, they make you who you are, and, depending on your balance between good and bad, that helps make you who we are. however, you are never fully molded into yourself. every single moment changes you. when you wake up in the morning, just lying in bed and listening to the birds changes you in minutely immeasurable ways, but my belief is that you are a different person from who you went to bed to who you woke up as. the saying "a leopard cant change its spots" is completely false. maybe you look the same as yesterday. maybe you will look the same in ten years. even so, you will never be exactly the same person who you are at any given point in time. that person is gone. maybe just a little bit, maybe you are completely changed. all that matters is that you *are* different.

i feel like a year from now, im going to look back at this and think "what the fuck was i writing?!" and so i kind of want to commemorate the person i am right now, at this moment, for the person i will be in the future. that sounds *really* corny and stupid, but i really have no other way of putting it. i kind of feel like im writing that letter to our future selves that my advisor made us do at the end of the year. we had to write a letter to ourselves for when we graduate from high school, and i guess that im kind of doing the same thing right here.

my dads been yelling at me for a while now to get off the damned computer, but im afraid that if i leave even for a little bit, ill forget everything i wanted to say. im in one of my philosophical moods, which doesnt happen often, so i really need to get everything out of my fingers now, before i forget it all. when i started writing this, i had no idea what i really wanted to say. just something about how different i felt. but from there, that evolved into a major philosophy jag. i actually dont really know what im saying right now, but all i know is that what is coming out of my fingers sounds right to me. i guess i didnt really realize this until i started writing about it. tomorrow, or in a week, or in a month, or even in ten minutes, ill probably come back to this and read it and ask myself what the fuck was going through my head, but that is exactly my point.

*you will never be the same person that you are right now again.*

theres a lot more that i could add, but that would be getting a little personal for such a public webpage. so until next time,



{l.o.v.e}
me as of eleven hours and one minute of the clock, post meridian, august ninth, two thousand and nine.